The Navere Web Pages

[Drew]

The Navere Web Pages

Issue number 1

"All the news that we can print without being killed for it"

Special common edition for inferior races.

Top story:

This month's mushroom harvest has been considerably lacking. While Matron Navere and the favor of our great spider queen ensures that no one will starve except the rothe, who deserve to starve anyhow, our reporters are curious to find out what could be wrong. We tortured a mushroom exper relentlessly for two weeks until she gave us her thoughts on the cause of the famine:

"Blargh... I don't know... It's probably that Lolth d**ned Valkryn, or maybe the surfacers... or maybe Valkryn working with the surfacers..."

We then killed her and sacrificed her for the greater glory of Lolth after taking her words into consideration. We sent a reporter to interview Valkryn, preferably with a serrated blade, but he hasn't returned yet. More on this story as it develops.

Weather:

Today will be dark and the staleometer is steady at 96. Children and the elderly should stay inside to avoid being eaten.

Special events:

There will be a hot dog eating contest this weekend. Losers will be sacrificed to Lolth.

Society notes:

House Shi'rir never existed. No one ever stormed their home and slaughtered them all. In a completely unrelated note, congratulations to Matron Navere on the acquisition of several new rothe!

People:

The underdark has recently played host to several surface scum, and it is our pleasure to greet them and wish them endless suffering!

Alais Swiftwind, also known as Darthiri Ligiir has returned to the underdark from an unknown place, and has also temporarily married Thaydin Navere until Gia finds a way to kill her or anull the marriage. Welcome back Alais and here's to hoping that our next issue can be written on your back with a rusty butter knife!

Andrew Kuchi has somehow found a place to hide in the swirfneblin infested slums of the underdark wilds until Lolth manages to expel this cancer on our world we're happy to offer him a housewarming gift from all of our staff. Mr Kuchi can drop by our offices in order to pick up his basket of assorted poisonous mushrooms, which themselves are booby trapped to release other poisons. The poisons are cursed.

Elora Navere has disappeared recently, though it is rumored that she has been seen with a surfacer as well. No doubt she is using him for a torture bunny and we wish her many scream filled days.

Crossword puzzle:

Across:

A 5 letter word for torture
A 9 letter word for torture
A 21 letter word for torture
A 7 letter word for torture
A 12 letter word for torture
A 3 letter word for torture
A 6 letter word for torment

Down:

A 13 letter word for torture
A 8 letter word for torture
A 19 letter word for torture
A 15 ketter word for torture
A 5 letter word for punish
A 8 letter word for whip

[Drew]

The Navere Web Pages

Issue number 2

"All the news that we can print without being killed for it"

Special common edition for inferior races.

Top story:

Our top story today is that Navere has been obscenely quiet. Word has reached us that Valkryn has been in Ched Nasad on business. Regretably he survived intact. Gia Navere, our glorious leader, has also been away, rumor has it she has traveled to the surface to find new lands to dominate under the benevolent reign of the drow.

Word has it that this quiet has given rise to many plots, but we can't report on them for fear of becoming party to the victims of said plots. However it is not only the drow rulers who have been quiet: The elf rothe and her mage friend have both been absent as well. This reporter speculates that they're plotting evil against the drow along with that wretched male Valkryn.

Weather:

With any luck todays weather will include a rain of the blood of the d**nable fae on the surface.

Special events:

The Navere Special Olympics are being held this weekend. The games are a chance for the disabled to show that they can still compete... for the amusement of their able bodied betters. Events will include the 100 meter relay with scissors, the javelin throw at your opponent, and the ever popular blind drow groping in a pit lined with razors. The winners will gain a lifetime supply of Spider's Kiss brand poison, because when it has to be dead it has to be Spider's Kiss.

Dear Abbyl:

Dear Abbyl,
Sometimes my patron doesnt seem like he cowers enough. I've tried torture and I've tried starving him. What else might work?
Signed, Undecided in Underdark.

Dear Undecided,
Try more torture, and if that dosnt work theres always the ultimate marriage councilor: Lolth. I hear she's big into sacrifice therapy.
Signed, Abbyl.

***

Dear Abbyl,
I'm the oldest daughter in my family and I want to make a mushroom cake for my Matron Mother's 500th birthday. I have a recipe, but I think something's missing. My ingredients include mushroom flour, water, baking powder, eggs of an underdark bird, and rothe milk and some sugar from the surface. What else is needed to produce a good cake for my mother?
Signed, Confused by Cake

Dear Confused,
You forgot to add poison. Any good recipe should contain poison.
Signed, Abbyl

People:

The web pages staff all look forward to welcoming the children of both Thaydin and Gia Navere into our world. A baby shower is planned and we've all chipped in to buy a pink whip if its a girl, and a blue whip if its a boy.

Also, Elora Navere has now been gone for a very long time, likely eaten alive by the wicked surfacers who constantly scheme against our wonderful society.

Riddle:

Q: Is there really more than one way to skin a rothe?

A: Yes, in fact there are 239 of them we've tested and that's just the ones that don't include acid.

[Drew]

The Navere Web Pages
Issue number 3

"All the news that we can print without being killed for it"

Special common edition for inferior races.

Top story: Valkryn likes to go in through Gia's back door!

Our friendly and Lolth loving priestesses recently heard the lowly and wretched unbeliever Weapons Master Valkryn discussing his sexual exploits with a mere iblith rothe. This leads our reporters to wonder just who else he might have told!

Sources in the priestess academy indicate that Valkryn is likely gloating in reverse, as it is generally the female drow who access the "back door" usually using a very bumpy and rough object to do so. But, even to believe that our benevolent Matron would bestow this minor favor on Valkryn is quite a stretch.

We take this with a grain of salt, as we do everything said by this vile one, who is a plague upon our goodly society like unto the fae.

Weather:

The underdark will be dark today, and Narbondel should reach its zenith around mid day. As usual, children and the elderly are advised to stay inside. At all times. And preferably hide their fleshy stab-targets.

Special events:

If recent rumors are any indication, a surface mage may be visiting the dungeons very soon, and at that point there will be a throw-stuff-at-the-fae fest.

Society notes:

Congratulations to our wise and benevolent ruler who, in keeping with proper respect for non drow, has completely and totally snubbed two surfacers who sent gifts to her upon hearing of the birth of her daughter. When asked how they felt about it Andrew The Green reported that he was just glad he hadn't been thrown in the dungeons and tortured for it like he is for everything else. We interviewed Draakar Karal but as soon as we mentioned that we came from Navere to speak to him he slammed the door and fled.

People:

A warm welcome to both of Matron Navere's new children and congratulations on the odd coloration of the boy child. Surely it is a sign of Lolth's favor, and not a result of darthiiri Ligiir having a small part in the child's birthing. Speaking of which, after helping Matron Navere in the birth of her two beautiful children, Alais disappeared, no doubt exhausted by acting as midwife. We here at the web pages hope that she can find a quiet life in one of Navere's lovely retirement pits.

Also, Elora Navere has been sighted with Lolth only knows who, and once again we hope that she wrings every last bit of enjoyment out of the pitiful male and then leaves him a dead and empty husk, as is proper.

Obituaries:

Shiyan Tera'taur died of cancer when her back mysteriously sprouted a knife shaped tumor.

Uralmi'ir Thaynas died of natural causes, it is perfectly natural for someone to die when their liver is replaced with a rock.

Illias Dera'amir died by lethal injection, a most humane form of capital punishment which was completely painless after the two weeks of ungodly agony.

Joke:

Two drow walk into a bar. They torture the barkeeper to death, then put his family to the sword. It is now their bar. Haha.

Comic:

www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0127.html

[Drew]

The Navere Web Pages
Issue number 4

"All the news that we can print without being killed for it"

Special common edition for inferior races.

Top story:

It is vaguely suggested that hated unbeliever, blasphemer, rothe(the animal kind)molester, and last-piece-of-mushroom-pizza-thief Valkryn has finally been brought to the merciful bosom of the spider queen.

However, we priestesses are disinclined to believe this. Word from many indicates that this is just another of his evil tricks, and that he will return to reap his vengeance on those who celibrate his death. We have the utmost faith in our spider queen but just incase something should happen and he returns as an undead scourge breathing firey death... ummm... no hard feelings, right, Valkryn?

Weather:

Today is a good day for children to play outside as the weather is supposed to be quite nice. Feel free to run about in the streets.

Special events:

The annual run-down-a-child-with-a-carriage festival will be held today.

Society notes:

Some bloody surfacers held a ball recently, but their iblithy dances are NOTHING compared to the great fetes that go on in Navere. The only reason it's even worth mention is that Valkryn sleeperd himself there, to a FAE no less! Kill! Kill! Kill!

People:

Welcome to Foxxy, who was brought back from the dead by the grace and eternal benevolence of Lolth. She has white hair, so shes somewhat closer to a drow than most surface scum.

Also, a big welcome to whoever keeps throwing the annoying wizard into our dungeon torture chambers! Lets hear it for them!

Dear Abbyl:

Dear Abbyl,
I'm worried that my Matron could be cheating on me, what should I do?

Signed, Concerned in Ched Nasad

Dear Concerned,
My advice is to become better in bed and hope she'll kill the guy she's cheating with instead. Surely you can buy some of those viagra mushrooms or something, or spice it up by buying some sex toys for her. I personally reccomend knives, scalpels or an iron maiden.
***
Dear Abbyl,
I really like this one male. I plot to torture him twenty four seven, poured boiling lead on him, and constantly belittle him. But he still hasnt returned my affections and even hit me wit h a mace. What should I do?
Signed, Not happy in Navere

Dear Not Happy,
I think your problem is that you're not being open with your feelings. Try to let out some of that anger and tell this male how you feel. Then just tell all the other drow he's yours and if they touch him you'll pull their brains out through their nostrils!
***
Dear Abbyl,
I'm a male and I feel restricted by the matriarchal hierarchy of drow society. It's like it's crushing in on me from all angles, but I dont want to be unfaithful and turn to Vhaeraun. What should I do?

Sincerely, Male in Menzobaranzan

Dear Male,
Kill yourself and hope you have less between your legs in the next life.

Glad to help, until next time!

Obituaries:

Valkryn Jabbuk was sacrificed to Lolth in a special new kind of ceremony that involves a fully armed sacrifice killing a yochlol. It was very chaotic, and Lolth loves that sort of thing, right?

Alina Tess'uar died peacefully in her bed this morning of ninety seven stab wounds in the back.

Tauk Erahin died a quiet peaceful death. His vocal cords and throat were chewed cut out by a priestess of Lolth.

Comic:

www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=060718

((Valkryn and Gia after kissing Sydel lol))

[Drew]

The Navere Web Pages
Issue number 5

"All the news that we can print without being killed for it"

Special common edition for inferior races.

Top story:

A special welcome to the new and improved Matron Navere. After ditching her, literally, dead beet patron, she's blossomed into a lovely example for all drow to follow: taking surfacers prisoner and pumping them full of sedatives, killing random people for looking at her wrong, and we're sure the old whip's been getting some use outside the bed room!

What could have brought on such a welcome and delightful transformation? Surely our benevolent spider goddess had a hand in it, but insiders are also saying that Gia's long dead mother may be making appearances to help her wayward child with kind and loving motherly advice, such as where tos tab people.

Congratulations Matron!

Special events:
First annual chain a rothe to the cavern cieling and make them cry day!

Weather:

It is expected to rain salty drops of water today.

People:

A hearty House Navere welcome to Andrew The Green, who is soon to occupy our dungeons once again. We'd offer up an interview with the surface scum and noted sword thief, but he's too busy drooling and mumbling, no doubt because of the d**nable elves!

Dear Abbyl:

Dear Abbyl,
Lately I've found that when I make love to my partner it causes a burning sensation, dizzyness and excruciating pain. Am I doing something wrong? Is she? Should I see a healer?

Signed, burning in the bedroom.

Dear burning,

What you're doing wrong is being a male. However, I must complement your partner and designated better for such a cunning use of poison. No need to see a healer, you're likely already dead.

It feels good to help!

***

Dear Abbyl,
I'm having some troubles with family relations. Every time I get my life sorted out someone in my family seems to die. Like when I graduated Melee Magthere my father was killed, and then when I made a nice underground home nearby my sister, brother and mother all died! Should I be worried about developing abandoment issues or something?? Should I cancel the next big family reunion?

Regards, Don't Die on me

Dear D D,
Your next family reunion will be in the demon web pits after you get a knife in the throat, Drizzt DoUrden! Cursed be thy name!

Obituaries:

Matron Tera'si died at home, surrounded by her loving family. She will be buried as soon as her daughters whipe enough of her off of themselves to inter.

Deskar Oladra was killed in a wholly unprovoked attack by surfacers during a polite business visit to an elven village. Drow law enforcement, in a remarkable act of foresight, killed 30 elves before his death in an act of retribution for his eventual demise.

Alais Swiftwind died on the surface where she belongs. A memorial party will be held to celebrate this momentous occasion. Please bring your own mushroom wine.

Riddle

I'm good with enemies but better with friends
I brighten your day and also your night
I can be on a pan of hot metal
You can use a fork and knife but they're not necessary
I'm a good incentive to get children to behave
I can involve a rolling pin and grease
Too much of me will spoil you

Answer: If you answered cookies...
You're an idiot. The answer is, clearly, torture.

Comic:

www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20030124

Behold the perfect chaos of Lolth!