Andrew Kuchi P.I.

[Drew]

((for absolutely no reason this post will be written in the style of those horrible noire detective flicks))

I'd been thinking about this case for a while. Some important dame had almost been killed when she was poisoned at a local bar. Who could want to do that to such a nice bird? She had legs that stretched on and on, and I might have thought she was kinda sexy if her skin hadn't been jet black. Still, she was a classy gal, and I decided I'd help out.

I started listening in, keeping my ear to the pavement to see if I could gather anything that might be worth something. The barkeep was playing dumb, acting like he didn't know nothing. Maybe he didn't. It turned out that the poison had been dropped through a hole in the ceiling. These guys were good, and whoever it was they'd really wanted her dead. That poison was so toxic that just seeing it gave me the trots for a week.

I told the cop on the beat, a rookie named Valas. He said he'd look into it, but I've never met a cop that could find anything besides directions to the local mushroom donut shop. I knew I was going to have to take this case. The guys that were responsible for this were heavy, I knew that much. Maybe involved with the Baenrecchi organized crime familly.

I didn't have any contacts in Menzobaranzan, so I took it to a dame I know that knows poisons.

"Is that a sample of deadly toxin in your robes or are you just happy to see me?" She asked as she uncrossed her legs.

"A little bit of both" I replied, tipping my hat before I tossed the vial to her. " Gia Navere's been poisoned. This is the stuff they used. I want to know what it is and where it came from, I think the Baenrecchi are involved."

She just looked at me and then the poison, turning it around and sniffing at it. "Not the Baenrecchi, big boy. This came from Ched Nasad, a kind of mushroom that only grows near there. Say, would you care for some coffee?"

By the time she asked I was already out the door. It was one of those cold rainy nights that always seems to happen when I take on a case involving leggy dames and crime. I took a swig from my flask and sighed. Ched Nasad eh? Clearly this case was going to require a montage of neon signs and jazzy music to get to the bottom of it.

I got a disguise on so I could blend with the locals. After that I just had to hitch a ride to Ched Nasad on the back of a lizard cab. The guy overcharged me by a mile, but I didn't care. I was in the big city with a job to do.

I started out by canvasing the local nightlife. I passed under glowing signs for "Is'sta's house of torture implements", "rothes are us", "Ma'ningyer's mushroom buffet" and "B'Freil's qilovestualt bar" while some crazy bastard followed me around playing a saxophone.

I stopped into B'Freil's for another few shots. It was getting late and I was getting nowhere fast. Suddenly a dark little man with his face almost hidden in shadows approached me. His voice had a strange hiss to it, as if he were talking with a Moroccan accent for some reason.

"Mr. Kuchi... You should be careful here. People could get hurt for asking the wrong questions mweheheh..."

I fixed him with a stare and fingered the revolving crossbow in my coat pocket.

"I don't like trouble, Sam. Maybe your boss could offer me a better deal..."

He wasn't surprised by that. These guys would sell you their own Matron mother for a copper only for you to turn around and find they'd already sold her to two other people that night.

"We could make it... worth your while."

"I'll think about it. Now go away kid, ya bother me..."

He was gone in a flash and I headed back to my hotel room. But she was already there sitting on my desk. I don't know what it is about leggy dames breaking into my room and sitting on things.

"Do you always welcome people to your town like this? If so I gotta start traveling more."

I knew I had to play it cool. One false move and it was curtains for me. I thought I saw the outline of a poison dart somewhere under that skirt.

"I always 'welcome' anyone if they're interfering in my plans. But let's not beat around the bush. I want you to go back and kill Gia, I'll give you a thousand gold pieces."

I might have had to think about it for a second if it had been anyone else. But probably not. I shook my head and grinned.

"Sorry toots, you've got the wrong guy. I don't work for cheep."

She just shrugged and looked behind me. I didn't even turn soon enough to see the darts coming. It had been a long time since I'd gotten a taste of drow sleeping toxin. I knew the only thing I could do was ride the snake and wait to see how interesting this case was going to get when I woke up...

[Drew]

-I awoke a day or two later within a cell to the sound of water dripping somewhere. Not all that unfamiliar. My eyes began to adjust and I could see around the cell. As usual it was a nice private suite devoid of any furniture. I tested the chains more as a matter of form then anything. These were merely steel and I'd have a goot chance at breaking them hwen I felt like getting off of the wall I was attached to.

However I considered using my draconic strength to be cheating, and I was hoping I might use a bit more finesse. I curled my fingers back to the underside of my sleeve and smiles as I felt the tiniest hint of soemthing stiff and metallic, a lockpick device. The drow who had taken me had searched me, but let me keep my clothes. Clearly they played a lot more fairly than some of their kind and I was much obliged, though I wouldnt be making any trips to thank their Matron for her hospitality.

I considered picking the locks on my chains now and waiting somewhere for the guards, ambushing them and then escaping, but that just wouldn't be any fun, and it wouldnt help me find out who had tried to kill Gia. So for the time being I simply sat there, not even trying to talk with any of the spiders hanging about since I knew they were loyal to my captors.

I dozed off after a while and woke to the sound of the door opening. I let my head hang down and mumbled something along the lines of "groooo?" since I figured they'd expect me to still be groggy from the sleeping darts. I knew how to play dead, drugged, and asleep, and these skills in mimicry were just as handy as my lockpicking abilities now.

The priestess who had come in to interrogate me naturally had her snake whip at the ready, which made me none too happy. She made a demand for my name in the drow language and, despite my dislike of Drowish, I disliked snake whips more. I told her who I was and let her do the talking for the time being.

Her demands were all skillfully dodged without outright disrespecting her enough to merit some kind of torment. Before long she grew tired of me and haad given me a few good lashes. Facing her I was able to brace myself for them and concentrate on ignoring hte pain as she walked off, having gathered nothing so far but knowing I'd made a decent start. When they came next there would likely be more people, which would make my escape that much more impressive.-

[Drew]

-The wounds had closed up and I'd had time to rest as best I could by the time my interrogators came again. There were four of them this time, and though two were priestesses baring new torture implements I recognized two that seemed to have no purpose and grinned inwardly as I saw they both wore a house symbol. I made a great show of cowering in fear and promising to tell them whatever they wanted, and that sort of stuff. Of course they naturally jammed a few things into my flesh anyhow.

As they went to stick needles in my eyes I decided that was enough. Dragon gaze game into effect and I searched the mind of the priestess to find that she was the one with the keys to my shackles. I grinned as I gave her the impression that I was the only other faithful Lolthian in the room and the other trhee were plotting agaisnt her, and that if they were allowed to call the guards she'd surely be killed. I smiled as she turned back and told her fellow priestess to hold off as she had an idea.


To my great delight the idea involved her moving to the door and casting a silence spell outside so none could hear what happened within. The other three in the room were terrified as she brought down a globe of darkness between us all and tossed the keys to me. I couldn't see them, but I heard their sound and I ducked my head foreward, wincing in pain from the wounds already inflicted on me but banaging to catch the keys in my mouth and then spit them into my hand. Just as I unchained my right hand and leaned down a mace flew over where my shoulder had been and stuck in the wall, wielded by the second priestess. I thought fast and with my left arm still chained I reached up to fasten the empty chain around the mace.

The priestess tugged on it for a while but the chains wouldnt give in to her efforts and she had to draw her dagger. By now she had figured out what I had done and was moving towards the door to do battle with her fellow priestess and, she assumed, me. I got the rest of the chains undone and then took up the mace, moving silently and listening to the sounds of battle as I slowly approached the four enemies.

The priestess under the effects of my dragon gaze was starting to come out of it, but she couldnt stop fighting and was doing quite well. The other priestess was down and unconsious while the two nobles kept up the fight together, though by now all of the combatants were wounded. I couldnt tell this of course and had to sound things out. I moved in on the sounds of battle, remembering that nobles usually wield swords and hearing the swish of a sword through the air I swing at its source and impact in the chest of the drow female, cracking her ribs and dropping her to the ground weezing for breath.

The male, at the same time, was firing crossbow bolts wildly and finally scored a hit. The priestess fell to the ground lifeless and the globe of darkness fell with her while I faced the male. He turned around victoriously to survey the scene and saw me. His eyes dropped to his crossbow which was now empty and then he looked back to me, offering me money to let him live in the drow tongue. I shrugged a bit and then gave him a sound whack with the mace on the forehead, enough to knock him out but not kill him-

How many times do I have to tell you lot that I don't speak drow, huh?

-I chuckle a bit as I search them for anything useful. I didn't know about house symbols and such, so when I took his and his sisters neck pouches all I saw were magical items that would be added to my horde. I did however find a set of poisons they'd intended to use on me, and I grinned since I recognized one of them. I pocketed pretty much everything and then made sure the three livign drow were bound and gagged with their own clothes. I sat down to lick my wounds and think of how to get out of Ched Nasad and back to safety. An idea was begining to form in my head and I looked through the priestesses belongings, finding a scroll that was just what I wanted and enchanting a few of the crossbow bolts. I could have done the disguise trick, but all those within were too small, and I'd used that one before recently. I figured I'd play it differently this time.-

[Drew]

I took up as many of the crossbow bolts as I could get and used the priestess' spell to enchant them with silence. Next I dug through the poisons I'd taken and found the one labeled (so I was able to guess from rudimentary knowledge of drow writing) sleeping toxin.

I prepared the crossbow and then walked out, using infravision and easily spotting the first guard, dropping him with a bolt. He tried to cry out before the poison took effect but the silence spell on the bolt kept him from doing so and I was able to advance through the halls. I hid wherever I could, often having to dodge spiders but rarely meeting any drow.

I knew the basic layout of most houses such as this. The dungeons were under the center of the web, and at the center was the temple of Lolth and the noble's chambers. I tried to move outwards fro mthis area since it was most dangerous.

On the way though I met a rather large spider. It knocked me to the ground with ease but couldnt cry out for help as the bolts on me still held their silence spell despite not being fired. I rolled to the side as its stinger came down at me and tried to get to my feet as it pummeled me with its legs. I snapped a few of them off with the mace and was just about to back up enough to fire when a jet of webbing hit my feet, gluing me in place. The spider was trying to retreat back enough to call for aid. I fired off a dart just in time as the spider soon fell to the ground, and I used one of the knives I'd taken to cut myself free, shoving the spider into a closet and continuing on my way.

I scanned everywhere before I moved and soon found what I wanted. The main audience chamber was sure to connect to the balcony and from there I'd be able to escape the house. I walked into the empty chamber and grinned a bit as I saw the door out. But something kept me...

There was a REALLY big chair in the back of the chamber near me, and there was no one to stop me... It was an odd thing for me about sitting in people's thrones just to prove that I could but despite this penchant I'd never settled I disagree into a drow throne despite how comfy they looked. Zezace kept me well away from her audience chamber while I was held in Ilgaas, and I had always been too scared to sneak into Gia's chair in Navere.

It only took me one try to hop up the full distance to the seat and I have to admit it was pretty comfortable until the Matron entered. I screamed, and she screamed, but I believe her scream was more a "have this animal killed in full public view and clean off my seat" scream while mine was more of surprise and fear. I got out of that hall faster than I ever moved before and htere were already spells and darts flying at me.

I was able to sense the lizards in the stabes and I went to them after casting spell deflection. I managed to hold off the guards at the doors to the stables and then made a way out through the roof of the stable and over the walls. Naturally the drow of the house I'd just escaped were in hot persuit. I reached out once more with my sense of the weave, finding the gates that were least guarded and heading there.

It turned out I had left the gates outside of which the drow kept their herds and farms, and I think a great many rothe creatures were trampled in the persuit. Most of those after me turned back when we got far from Ched Nasad. Those that didn't kept up the persuit relentlessly, even hitting me a few times with their bolts which thankfully they hadn't had time to poison.

I was tired from riding so long but I had to keep up. I didn't even know where I was going after the first few hours except that I had to keep picking off my persuers. It wasn't long before I had unseated the last of them and I found a fairly secure place where my lizard friend and I could rest. The next day or so was spent getting my bearings and eluding hunting parties sent for me while I found my way back to Navere.